Books

The Schnoz of the Rings: A Parody, 2nd Edition

The Schnoz of the Rings: A Parody is a irreverent retelling of J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. Froyo Bagpants, a halfbit of the Mire, must destroy the Schnozring by tossing it into the fire pit of Mount Drool to prevent the Great Schnoz from conquering Central Oith, but you knew that. The Schnoz of the Rings has the obligatory funny names and the twisted plot that you would expect, but it also has a special charm all its own. You needn’t have read the original books nor seen the movies to enjoy this book. The characters are a little crazy, lusty, and sometimes even a bit heroic. Froyo and his companions, the Six Pack of Central Oith, must overcome many obstacles in their quest to thwart the dark power of the Great and Powerful Schnoz. Laugh your way through the misadventures of Froyo and his friends.

 

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Reviews for The Schnoz of the Rings

Mensa Bulletin – Caroline McCullagh, editor of the Page Turners column, wrote in the August 2016 Mensa Bulletin: “I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy in 1960, a few years after it came out in the U.S. I’m definitely a fan. So when I saw Osterhout’s book, I was ready to dislike it. How could you possibly parody something so wonderful? Well he did, and he did a good job of it. What is most interesting to me is that Osterhout has created something that has a life of its own. I don’t think you need to have read the trilogy to enjoy this book. He creates a world that that parallels Tolkien’s world, but it works on its own merit…

“These characters work in their own right and are funny. The eating scenes are priceless. Halfbits like to eat, and they do it often: first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, lunch, snackies, afternoon tea, and dinner. You’ll begin wondering what’s on the next menu…”

Read the complete review here.

Amazon – Five stars – What would happen if Mel Brooks, Cheech and Chong, Monty Python, and Mad Magazine partnered on a parody of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy? You’d have something very close to The Schnoz of the Rings. Spooferrific! – Laurence E. Musgrove. Go to the Schnoz of the Rings page on Amazon click here.

Beyond Bree – “There is quite an interesting encounter with the balfrog of Mordia, and with Sorryman in Eisenfang, the seestones, and the Trail of the Croaked (Paths of the Dead). And yes, the characters who survive will set up commercial enterprises, prosper, and write this book… The Schnoz of the Rings is an amusing tale, a quick read, and fun to reread.” -Nancy Martsch.

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Where to find The Schnoz of the Rings:

Online

• The Tolkien Shop
• JohnOsterhout.com: I will sell you an autographed book directly. Send me an email at JohnOsterhout<at>JohnOsterhout.com. I’ll send you a PayPal invoice that you can pay with a credit card over a secure server.

Brick and Mortar

• The Tolkien Shop, Utrechtse Jaagpad 2, Leiden, Netherlands
• Old Town Books, 506 South Chadbourne, San Angelo, Texas 78903.
• Hastings, Unfortunately, Hastings in San Angelo has gone out of business.
• ASU Bookstore, Angelo State University

Libraries

• Tom Green County Library System, San Angelo, Texas
• Buswell Memorial Library, Wheaton College, Wheaton, Illinois
• Porter Henderson Library, Angelo State University, San Angelo, Texas
• Marquette University Raynor Memorial Library, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
• M. B. Noelke Jr. Memorial Library, Mertzon, Texas

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New Ring Rising

Froyo is frustrated. All he wants to do is travel in his comfortable coach to Minor Tetons to meet his friends for a Six Pack reunion. Also, he anticipates an excellent reunion dinner of many courses prepared by the extraordinary chefs at the palace. But no, it seems like someone wants to kill him at every turn. His trip from the Mire to Minor Tetons turns into a nightmare of danger.

The great, great-grandson of the Great Schnoz, Nostril, is running the family business of domination and conquest from the Temple of the Coming Dark in Grim. Nostril’s alchemists have prepared a new ruling ring. Forged in the fire pit of Mount Drool, the ring is designed to control the rings of the elves and men. Two spies, Aaron of Gonner and Fidelia of Lostlorriland, overhear Nostril’s nefarious plans and set out to carry word to the free kingdoms of Central Oith before Nostril can strike.

Soon, Froyo and his friends are embroiled in danger and intrigue. Can they thwart Nostril and save the kingdoms of Central Oith from total domination? Will they survive the endeavor? Better buy New Ring Rising and find out!

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Ring War

Froyo must flee his happy home at Boggy End to escape an invasion. The invader is Celosia Roak, a female halfbit interested in slapping a wedding ring on Froyo’s finger and helping him spend all his delicious, unused money. A visit to Eisenfang to see his good friend, Grandkopf the Gray, seems like just the thing. On the way, Froyo discovers that the windows and doors of his coach won’t open. Then Lily, a northern Smirkwood tree elf, comes through the roof door and announces that she is the elf he hired for companionship for his journey. This is news to Froyo. Soon, it’s clear that Froyo has been kidnapped. Froyo and Lily must plot their escape…

Nostril overruns Ember with 100,000 Grimites and marches on Del Mar. The bearers of the elven rings go South to counter the threat. The collected might of the free kingdoms of Central Oith make their stand on the Pero river as they try to stop Nostril and his minions. But they are too few. Will the elven rings turn the tide, or will Nostril’s new ruling ring control them and turn them against their allies?

Aaron the Last, the thirty-seventh and last son of the famous pirate, Aaron the Black, is asked by King Telecom to sail to the thousand islands. Of course, Fidelia won’t be left behind. Aaron’s mission is to enlist the aid of the Corsairs of Ember in the war against Nostril. The Corsairs of Ember are a bloodthirsty lot. Fi and Aaron will have to fight for a parlay. If they survive the fight, will the Corsairs be persuaded? Can they defeat the Grimite fleet and stop the invasion?

The war isn’t going well. Someone will have to kill Nostril. Arrowshaft sets out to do the job. Separately, Lededgas and Gimmie leave Del Mar, Del Mar on the same mission. They must sneak into Nostril’s camp, kill him, and somehow survive the aftermath. What could go wrong?

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Just Lorem Ipsum

Just Lorem Ipsum is my demonstration book for self-publishing with open-source software. It is one hundred pages of Lorem Ipsum filler text, i.e., pseudo-Latin gibberish. There is also an appendix that explains how I produced the book with open-source software. You needn’t buy the book to get the production information, just see my posts: Just Lorem Ipsum Final Files, Just Lorem Ipsum Final Cover, and Just Lorem Ipsum Published!

The goal was to publish a book using open-source software while minimizing the cost. In an earlier post, Twelve Tips: How to Reduce the Cost of Your Self-Published Book, I discussed how to reduce your costs to near zero if you used open-source software and were careful.

The cost for producing the CreateSpace (Amazon) book was $29.95 for the ISBN and $10.00 to license the cover image for a total of $39.95. These costs were self-inflicted. I could have made a cover with a free image and I could have used a CreateSpace ISBN or AISN. If so, the costs would have been zero.

The cost to produce the IngramSpark (Barnes and Noble) book was higher. Normally IngramSpark charges you $49.00 to upload a paperback book title, but I had a coupon code so I didn’t pay for the initial upload. Unfortunately, I needed to upload a new file to correct some mistakes on the back cover and the coupon didn’t cover the corrections. IngramSpark tagged me for a $49.00 fee. If you sign up for IngramSpark but don’t start a book, my experience that IngramSpark eventually sends you a coupon code to upload for free. If you are very careful and don’t need to change stuff after you see the proof (HA!) you can avoid further fees.

Paperback

• Paperback: 124 pages
• Publisher: Clovendell Press; 1.H edition (December 5, 2016)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0996217525
• ISBN-13: 978-0996217521
• Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.3 x 8 inches  
• Shipping Weight: 7 oz

Ebook

• No ebook anticipated. You can download .pdf for Just Lorem Ipsum by clicking here. Since most of the book is unreadable, there seems little point in having a Kindle book.

Where to Buy Just Lorem Ipsum:

Online

Amazon: Paperback ($14.99)

Barnes and Noble: Paperback ($14.99)

JohnOsterhout.com: I will sell you an autographed book directly. Send me an email at JohnOsterhout<at>JohnOsterhout.com. I’ll send you a PayPal invoice that you can pay with a credit card over a secure server.

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Reasons to buy Just Lorem Ispum

• Gift – For that person who has everything except a book full of gibberish!
• Insomnia – If one hundred pages of pseudo-Latin babble won’t put you to sleep, nothing will!
• To keep John in good beer. – I promise to spend any profits on good beer. That is, on good, hand-crafted, microbrewery ales and porters.
• Doorstop – Buy ten.
• Tease your intellectual friends. – See if they will admit that they don’t read Latin.
• To match your decor. – Just Lorem Ipsum is a great decorating accessory!
• Emergency TP – The pages are soft (sort of).
• Fire starting materials – Just Lorem Ipsum, matches, and a little kerosene – all you need.
• Self publishing – There IS that one chapter about book formatting…
• Fahrenheit 451 Party – Why take a book you can read to a book burning?
• Pet parrot – Handy for cage lining.
• To fill up your book shelf. – You have a 9 mm gap on that almost-full shelf. Perfect fit!
• To throw – You are a drama queen and occasionally need things to throw. Throwing books is very dramatic. This one is small and not likely to cause much damage.
• Dog – Give him or her something to chew!

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Mack Alpha Nine

Mack Alpha Nine: Galactic Enforcement Agency. Mackenzie Jo Phillips returns home after a hard day wanting only a hot bath and a cool glass of cheap wine. Instead, she finds an alien in her garage…again.

Mack—she hates Mackenzie—is a retired alpha agent of the Galactic Enforcement Agency, the GEA. Mack was formerly assigned to region nine, which is a galactic backwater way out on the edge of the galaxy that happens to include Earth.

Most GEA alpha agents retire early, which is a GEA euphemism for dying on the job. Mack took one too many blaster-cannon shots to the guts, wound up in a meditank once too often, and decided to retire to Southborough, a picturesque New England town outside Boston, while she still had all of her parts.

Mack is retired. She’s not supposed to have an alien in her garage. This is not good. Either the GEA has reactivated her, which would be bad, or the alien is here on his own hook, which would be, well, bad. Mack has a hard choice, let the galaxy take care of itself or help the alien and do what she does best: kick ass and take names.

This is a work in progress. Current word count: 47,487

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